


I Warned You About the Stairs, Bro

by tastefully_lawful



Series: Thanks For Playing [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/M, First Kiss, I told you dog, Make Outs, Post Game Sburb, Pranks Gone Right, thanks for playing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 14:24:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6662392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tastefully_lawful/pseuds/tastefully_lawful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Gang is settled into their house living together like one big dysfunctional family. John starts feeling comfortable enough to prank everyone who lives there. His newest creation brings forth the intention behind all the flirtations and insults between Terezi and him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Warned You About the Stairs, Bro

**Author's Note:**

> Part 1 of the JohnRezi section my Post-Game Series which was 'creatively' titled "Thanks For Playing"

Infectious laughter traveled quietly down the second floor hallway on the large house John Egbert and friends were all residing in. It had been some time since they won Sbrub and began living on a newly formed Skaia/Earth combination. Instead of living separately, the general agreement was to stick together as long as they wanted in one large house. As a means to support one another through the good and hard trial of post game memories; they had been living peacefully for awhile until John was able to get a hold of various items to prank those in the household.

 

His next victim, Terezi Pyrope, would fall for yet another genius prank from the master. She had been in her respiteblock since they had all gone to bed and seemed to have yet leave. This was a perfect opportunity to cover the hard wood floor in the hallway with a various amount of containers filled with a vaseline-like substance. It had taken him well over two hours to complete his task but found himself at the edge of the stairs where it was dry and safe. He wiped his brow from the imaginary sweat; brushing back his nearly solid black bangs before they fell back into place. He could see the floor had been tampered with; it's unusual shine gave out the biggest red flag. Sadly, it would be said red flag that would get overlooked by his blind troll friend. He snickered at the thought. Of course, she'd overlook it she was visually blind. 

 

With a garbage bag full of empty containers, John rushed down to the main floor and quickly outside to the brisk and sunny morning that greeted them. He squinted his eyes at the bright sun and the happy words of 'Thanks for Playing' hovering right next to it. John rushed to the trash bin to deposit the bag before taking a slow stroll back into the house. Upon entering, he glanced by the archway and the hallway, that was barely three feet in length, which connected to the kitchen. Rose and Dirk were leaning against counter as coffee was brewing and filling the first floor with it's aroma. It wouldn't be long before the whole combined household would start to smell it. He was just about to turn his heel towards the kitchen when a piercing and angered voice screamed from the second floor.

 

"JOOOOHN!"

 

His blue eyes beamed with excitement. He cupped his hands into fists with a little arm thrust, "Yes!" He muttered under his breath. John bolted up the stairs, his eager speed made it sound as if he was stomping up the stairs. It gathered the attention of those in the kitchen but not to the point of leaving to investigate. Lately with all of his pranks, his name had become commonly said in the household. They would either hear about it later or see the photos John or anyone else might have taken from the event.

 

Arriving at the top and standing proudly on the end where he hadn't put any vaseline on the floor; John crossed his arms and smugly grinned. Terezi's nose caught the faint aroma of coffee which was just the thing for her to stop messing around in her respiteblock and exit. She had changed into more comfortable clothes: her normal black shirt with her teal symbol and her trusty pair of scalemate boxers minus her signature glasses. Rather than the slime soaked ones she slept in. There were small globs of vivid lime green in her even wilder bed head riddled hair. It was when she took the first few rushed steps out of her respiteblock and ended up slipping and falling on her backside that she screamed out the guilty party's name.

With unstable balance, she held on to the wall and tried taking small steps around the corner until her right foot gave out to the slippery substance and she was performing an awkward pseudo-splits along the wall. She jutted her butt out to have some kind of balance stopping her from hitting the floor. She gritted her teeth and heard the obnoxious laughter from John Egbert himself. She jolted her head to the side and could smell his dastardly scent. 

"Give me a break! I just got up and now I have to deal with this hoofbeastshit. Are you kidding, John?!" Terezi hollered, just as she was standing upright; she turned her body to face his direction and took one step forward and immediately slipped again falling on her hands and knees.

John was holding his sides, laughing hysterically. Sure, it was better to confuse than abuse but he was dealing with the girl that had gotten him killed in the game just to learn about timelines. He had to have only the hardest of pranks to bestow upon her. "No, I'm not kidding Terezi. It's the best thing ever. Something you couldn't see or smell coming." He laughed even more boisterous which only provoked Terezi to stand back up and get back at John for this. "Don't forget, you are dealing with the Pranking Master." His laughing slowed down enough for him to give her a wink and a thumbs up. At this point, she had gotten up again while holding on to both end tables that were thoughtfully there to support her. Her feet, legs, boxers, nearly almost every thing was covered in the weird odorless jelly he smeared on the floor. Terezi began to hiss through her teeth; her red eyes glaring at the human. She could tell he had a condescending smirk on his face. She could smell the smug pride he was emitting. 

"Anyway," John began. He closed his smiling eyes and waved at his friend, "I could stand here and watch you slowly struggle to get to the stairs but I think Dirk and Rose made coffee and I might as well have some with them. See you down the stairs when you get to it, Terezi!" Just as he heel turned to walk down the stairs he heard an unholy battle cry from Terezi that made him stop in his tracks. His heart racing in fear as his mouth and eyes opened in horror. John turned his body to see what was happening; Terezi propelled herself from the end tables, which were pushed back and one had fallen on the floor from her strength, back to the slippery floor and landed in a way where she used the prank to her advantage. Now, she was sliding with style. Her black lips crept into an open mouth smirk, revealing her sharp jagged teeth.

John yelped as he took a step back; the center of his foot resting on the corner of the stairs and his heel falling backwards. He gasped, holding on to the railing as to not fall but it wouldn't help him when the teal blooded avenger slammed into him thus making him lose his grip. Now, with nothing to support either person, Terezi and John began falling. They had looked at each other with a similar 'Oh Shit' expression as the two tumbled down the stairs. Curses and groans were heard as they reached the bottom. John laid on his back, his eyes shut in pain but he knew he would live despite how Terezi was laying on top of him adding more weight to his already sore body. Her arms were sprawled on either side of his head. Her own head laid on his chest, the tip of her dragon-like horn was softly grazing against his white shirt while she moved her head slightly. Groaning along with Terezi, he knew there would be plenty of bruises but overall, it was a job well done. The prank was a success.

"Please tell me you died a Just death for this stupidity." Terezi groggily replied, her arms sliding back to her as she pushed the weight of her head and torso above John. She inhaled while staring down at John; it wasn't hard to know where his head was when she pulled her arms back and felt his hair brushed against them. Terezi had a displeased scowl on her face.

John opened one eye and then the other, his glasses were misplaced on his head. They were almost about to fall off over his brow. Though it wasn't registering right away, his heart started to hammer in his chest. Terezi hadn't gotten off of him and it was starting to make him panic though the reason was still unclear. He pulled his glasses down so he could see. As his vision became clear, he stared up at Terezi who was too close for comfort. _I don't think she knows how close she is..._ He could feel her breath against his face.

"No, sorry to disappoint." John joked, trying to lighten up the situation. He wished she wasn't so close to him but at the same time, he felt okay with it. Oh god dammit, it was only suppose to be a prank, right? Yeah! Just a harmless, well not so much... She did fall a lot which was really funny! But it's prank! His eyes were glancing around, looking at Terezi's face. Hey, I can kind of see where her eyes use to be. _Shit, is she looking at my mouth?! Why is she looking there? Oh fuck, wait she can't actually see. She probably thinks she's looking at my eyes or something._ John corrected himself before he gave himself a heart attack; he couldn't stare into her eyes any longer. He knew she probably didn't realize her eyes were directed at his mouth which only made him start to think about kissing. Specifically her. His eyes began darting around and noticed the small amount of teal blood on her lips. "Geeze, you're one to talk. You're bleeding!" John raised his voice, "Terezi's dying guys!!" He had no idea why he did that; someone might have decided to actually find out what all the noise was and see them like this. _Oh god, what if Karkat walks in! I don't want to hear another lecture about troll romance._ He recalled the first time Karkat had verbally gotten on Dave and John's case when Terezi and Vriska first flirted with them. How obsessed he was with zero inter-species romance especially sloppy make outs. But now look at him, flushed with a different species. _Hypocrite. Heh heh._

"Shut up, stupid." Terezi groaned and rolled her eyes; she slowly licked the bottom of her lip. It wasn't much but it was to be expected when she bit her lip.

"You're one to talk! I can't believe you fell for it. Literally!" John chuckled, even more so when Terezi made a disgusted face at the joke. "Good job, idiot." That insult sucked, that was so lame. John awkwardly smiled.

"You're the one who made us fall down the stairs!" John shouted, he needed to add more insult to his fire. Her cheeks flushing teal; that had to be a good sign.

"No way! It's your fault!"

"How is it my fault? You're the one who decided it was a great idea to tackle me down the stairs."

"Maybe if you didn't wipe the floor with your weird human jelly -"

"Ewww, Terezi no! It's petroleum jelly!"

"Human jelly all over the floor, luring me out with coffee-"

"Now that was just an added bonus. I didn't do -"

"You're an asshole, John."

John smirked, "NO! I'm just a Pranking Master. Don't beat yourself up too much. There's not many people or trolls who avoid falling victim to my clever antics. Well, maybe Jane but she doesn't count in this explanation. What you need to know is that there's no way you'll ever pull a fast one over m- !!" John's words cut off by Terezi's lips. She had cupped his head to keep it steady while she moved in for the kill. His eyes widen, face flushing and temperature rising. He could swear his heart was going to explode in his chest.

Terezi had gotten tired of smelling his dirty smugness underneath her. His cocky attitude when clearly he was in a compromised position especially against a troll like her. He was toying with her and messing with her but not in the way where she would walk away feeling terrible. It only lighted a fire to get back at him but patience was growing thin as he talked. There was no time to cook up a revenge plot against him. She had to act on impulse. Said impulse became just kissing him; near the end of the game her caliginous feelings for John had grown into a full-fledged crush. She remembered a strange scent and the feeling of a breeze when certain things happened in her life; it was only later that she found out the truth behind the matter. Though it was her natural ability to troll that had gotten John killed once in his timeline. A momentous memory in her think pan.

She could feel her own heart pounding against his; she wasn't sure if the feelings were mutual but since they had started to live in the same hive their caliginous flirtations became more and more the norm between them. From popcorn food fights during movies, to petty arguments about the simplest things; Terezi had tried to be patient and wait on John. He was, after all, only a human and not accustomed to the quadrants. She tried to give John an opening to push something more than flirts; it was the reason she didn't quickly get off of him but he was so dense in her mind. He wasn't getting the hint and their back and forth bickering was clearly leading to something; it was time to take a hold of the opportunity that was given.

The kiss linger before Terezi pulled back a couple inches away from his mouth. Her face growing more teal hoping her move wasn't in vain.

"T-Terezi? What the fuck...." John muttered.

She scowled, not the answer she was looking for. She leaned back against his lips, replying back. "Well, do you hate me or not?"

John's hands were barely shaking on the floor beside him; he planned on being lowkey about his weird hate-love affection for Terezi. Happily content over just flirting but the kiss wasn't bad either. "Yeah..." He replied, his mouth felt dry as he croaked. "I guess I do." His right hand moved upward, under Terezi's arm and on the back of her head. Sucked into the moment, he awkwardly kissed her back. His face scrunched up, as if it was the most painful thing he had done. It was embarrassing but only because he had never done much with the opposite sex. Flirting was the extent he went, everything else he felt didn't matter but age caught up to him and the idea of kissing and making out was starting to creep into his mind more often as of late.

 

Terezi seemed more than eager, kissing John back with little hesitation compared to him. Her hands left his face giving him more freedom than before; her left hand slide down to his chest while the right one moved into his messy dark hair. John groaned, though it was less pleasure and more reoccurring soreness from his back. 

Terezi pulled back raising an eyebrow in mild concern. "Are you sure you're not dying?"

"No, but I probably shouldn't be laying on my back."

"Whose fault is that?" She smirked, still blaming John for his dumbass prank.

"Yours because... well because... shut up!" John frowned and started to squirm under her weight.

"Hehehehe, told you I was right. For not being stubborn anymore here's your reward." Terezi replied as she gripped his shoulders and began rolling off of him but pulling him along with her.

"Terezi! This is not helping! What are you -??" He cut himself off as the two fumbled around on the ground. Terezi was giggling to herself as they changed positions; John's expressions were a mix of pain, confusion and frustration. In the end, Terezi was on her back with her arms around John's neck as he was now on his hands and knees above her. "You're so fucking weird." He commented, staring down at her. _Troll romance sure is weird._

Terezi shrugged with a smile, pulling him down for another kiss. John sighed in the kiss, feeling somewhat defeated. He slowly lowered his body trying not to crush her; though the new position did release a lot of stress from his back, it didn't eliminate how sore he was. He wondered why Terezi hadn't complained, then again he could vividly remember how beat up and near death she was in the previous timeline. Crashing down on her rocket-pack but still walking out of the aftermath. Trolls were surprisingly durable, at least Terezi proved that.

 

"Hmph," She scoffed, breaking their kiss, "You don't even know the half of it."

"The real question is do I want to." He shrugged, smiling slightly.

"I don't think you have choice anymore." She grabbed the collar of his shirt pulling it down along with John. She ran her tongue across his neck leaving a wet streak of saliva; John couldn't help but shiver.

"Whoa dude... you're not going to like... rip me apart, right?" His tone was worrisome, unsure how hateful a troll can get in this situation. He honestly had a lot of questions but didn't know whether he wanted to learn them first hand from Terezi or go to the walking encyclopedia of troll romance. Both options felt like it could end badly.

"Remember how I told you I'd like to cut your throat and smell you die?" Her voice was fluid, almost seductive behind the past threat. She kissed his neck and let her teeth drag across his skin. She could feel him swallow hard; it only made her smirk wider.

"Y-yeah...?"

"Good." Terezi nipped against his skin which made him jump and flinch. She snickered against him while he sported the biggest frown.

"What is that suppose to mean?!" Terezi didn't answer, she kept nipping and licking making him twitch and squirm above her. "Terezi... c'mon seriously."

"I'm rolling my eyes, John. Why would I kill someone I hate?"

"Uhhhh...."

"Jegus, romantically hate."

"Oh... I still don't..."

"Even if you did die, it wouldn't really be heroic or just. Just relax, if anything goes wrong you'll come back." The false threat proved successful as John took the bait. His hands were starting to sweat which was an odd and almost pleasurable combination with his racing heart and nervousness towards the situation at hand. Everything felt like a new experience, mainly because it was. He didn't want to protest too much and give Terezi the wrong signal.

"Boy, oh boy this is different." John exhaled a soft moan, Terezi had returned back to kissing his neck but switched it up to sucking at the edge of his neck and collarbone. "Shouldn't I... Isn't the guy suppose to be doing this?" Being lost in how good he felt when she kissed and sucked on his neck; John almost forgot what he had seen growing up on Earth. He rarely saw a situation on media where the guy was on the receiving end. It was a complicated feeling: wanting to be the man in the situation while not wanting to give up what felt so nice.

Terezi ran her tongue across the freshly formed hickey on his neck, "Why does it matter? Do you like it?"

"Yeah, I do."

"So what's the problem?"

"Well, it's the principal of the matter. I should be doing this to you."

"Then do it."

"I will."

"Alright, show me what you got." Terezi nipped at his collarbone causing John to exhale another moan. He wasn't sure why she was continuing. It felt amazing but he thought they were going to switch. She didn't let up which caused John to drift in and out of his thoughts. More red bites were appearing on his neck, collarbone and now she was moving lower on his chest. _Holy shit..._ He was distracted by her but at the same time was trying to figure out if he was missing something. She was overwhelming but in a good sense and it slowly started to dawn on him. _Oh wait a minute... it's like a fight but instead of throwing popcorn at each other it's... that. Wow, it's worth a shot._

John swallowed hard again and puffed out his chest; when Terezi had paused to catch her breath he pushed her back down to the floor. It was hard to fight hesitation but he knew she could come back at him with more vigor after pushing her away. He went down slamming his lips against hers, he could feel their teeth hit each other. _Too fast! Oh shit!_

 

Terezi groaned at the abrupt kiss but tried to make the most out of it. She was pleased to know he was starting to get more confidence. It was about time she would start getting a challenge. John pulled back, his mouth open and cracked to a half smile as he lowered his head closer to her neck. It was time to show Terezi he could dish out the same as she could throw. That this wasn't going to be one-sided, awkward and strangely arousing at the same time as it had been for him. John Egbert was ready to give back. His lips pressed against her neck and she turned her head to give him more room. _Score!_ John cheered in his head. Just as he opened his mouth, someone familiar had spoken up. 

"Bro... Can you take your sloppy make outs someplace else? A dude needs to pee and you two are blocking the way to the bathroom." Dave spoke standing beside the two on the floor.

John jolted his head up, his face burning red. "Oh fuck dude! No, uhh... It's not what it looks like."

"It's exactly what it looks like." Terezi responded. John looked just as horrified that Terezi just admitted what they were doing to his best friend.

"Great, so how about you guys either take it to the couch or maybe your room. Personally, I think taking it to either of your rooms would be the better option. You know, it's great you kids are in hate but we don't really want your sloppy make outs and genetic fluid everywhere. You feel me, John?"

 

"Dave, no..."

"John, yes." Dave replied stoicly, "As your bro, I'm telling you to keep your shit to yourselves. I'm happy for you and later we can throw a party. Pop open bottles of shitty fucking faygo to the happy couple, dance around with the Mayor outside. Fuck, let's just bring you to Can City Hall, sign the papers and everything for your new caliginious life together. Eventually when Kanaya thinks we're all ready to have little grubs hanging off the lights and anything else they can get their little bug legs on; you guys can stroll around the park with your weird troll babies. God Bless this new world where a man and his troll can frolic and be free to publicly express their romantic intentions to each other."

"Oh my God, you need to stop right now." John complained as he pushed himself off of Terezi and took a few steps back until he reached the wall. He felt cornered in the tense and awkward air Dave create just by talking. "Just go pee and don't bring this up again. Okay?"

Dave shrugged, he glanced down watching Terezi get to her feet. When she stood up and got out of his way she was simply laughing. He gave her a thumbs up and began waltzing up the stairs.

 

John sighed, placing a hand on his chest hoping the tense feeling to go away. He closed his eyes, breathing in and out. The moment seemed like it was gone; he wasn't sure to be relieved or disappointed. His breath caught in his throat when Terezi pinned him against the wall he was already against. With a grunt, he snapped open his eyes just to watch as she kissed him again. Her hands were pressing against his shoulders to keep him still. Softly moaning against her lips; he dropped his hands and rested them on her sides. She pushed harder while slipping her tongue into his mouth.

The arousal that had long since left him when Dave started talking was buzzing between his legs again. It seemed it had never left in the first place. His eyes slowly closing, he tried wrestling with her tongue but lost immediately. The grip on her hips started to tighten as he tried again but the need to breath hit him hard. Terezi broke away at the right moment but agonizingly pulled out as slowly as she could. John started to open his eyes just as slow and stared at her mouth. Half open, tongue sticking out with a thin string of saliva appearing and breaking the farther she moved away. Deep, long breaths were heard between them; his mouth slightly ajar from another awesome kiss.

His attention was brought back to reality when he could heard Terezi chuckle. "Huh?" He questioned, almost in a daze.

"That was fun but now that I'm down here, I'm getting that coffee I wanted. Smell you later." Terezi winked and broke away from John to head straight for the kitchen.

John was about to say something, anything to try to get the last word from their first caliginous moment but was cut short when he heard Dave curse upstairs. He had forgotten there was still a lot of jelly smeared all over the floor. He couldn't even feel alarmed, only proud that his prank caught another victim.

"John!" Dave called out, "What the fuck is this shit? It's everywhere! John! Yo! Yoooooo!" He tried to beckon John upstairs to deal with his shit; but the crafty prankster bolted straight behind Terezi to the kitchen. He would deal with clean-up later; maybe after a few more victims or until word got out that the second floor became unusable. He beamed, smiling while entering the kitchen. A first kiss, a prank done well; it was time for that well-deserved coffee he wanted. He only wondered why Rose was snickering at him. His first thought was that she must've been laughing about the prank but it was hard to think that way when the tone of her laugh was clearly almost teasing. John glanced at Terezi who had gotten her cup; she smirked and pointed at her neck. He reached his hand to cup his neck when it dawned on him. John was going to be the proud owner of a marked up neck for at least a week.

Terezi snickered, "Revenge complete."


End file.
